the Beloved sometimes wants to do us a great favor: Hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.

Rene Garau.

Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Hafez, translated by Daniel Ladinsky from 'The Gift'

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,

Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and

Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,

He would just drag you around the room

By your hair,

Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world

That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly

And wants to rip to shreds

All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,

And with others,

Causing the world to weep

On too many fine days.

God wants to manhandle us,

Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself

And practice His dropkick.

The Beloved sometimes wants

To do us a great favor:

Hold us upside down

And shake all the nonsense out.

But when we hear

He is in such a "playful drunken mood"

Most everyone I know

Quickly packs their bags and hightails it

Out of town.

 

 

 

 

Jurassic Forest, Gibbons, Alberta

 

 



  As a lifelong fan of dinosaurs, I try to attend anything related to prehistory's ill-fated 'terrible lizards'.  I've been to a lot of dinosaur related museum exhibits as well as educational theme parks.  It's just kind of my thing.  After all, what's not to love about nature's version of Godzilla?

 Which explains why I found myself at a dinosaur theme park in a mosquito ridden forest in the middle of Nowhere, Alberta last weekend.  I'd heard about Jurassic Forest from various websites, and after realizing that I'd be in the area, I knew I had to visit.  There were promises of life sized models of dinosaurs, which were hooked up to motion sensors.  Reviews of the park promised dinosaurs that growled, roared and moved. Naturally, I was hooked.

 Upon arriving, I found that the park itself was beautifully landscaped, with a wooden walkway that meandered through a lovely landscape of local trees, grasses and flowers.  There were informational signs on the local flora and fauna, as well as the expected dinosaur related fare.  The setting was lovely, covering a variety of environments, ranging from marshes to forests.  Although the park is small, it manages to cover a lot of ground without feeling overwhelming or exhausting.  There were plenty of benches to sit on and rest, although the amount of mosquitos that were out were deterrent enough to prevent me from wanting to sit and bask in the sun longer than necessary. Bonus points for the tan I got while walking around, because Lord knows, my pale self could use a little sun.

The stars of the show were the dinosaurs.  I was giddy as a schoolgirl talking to her first grade school crush after I stumbled across T-Rex in one of the exhibits.  Dude was huge, and certainly made some impressive roaring sounds.  I was so excited I clapped my hands and literally did a little jig, because after all, it's not every day you get to come across a T-Rex. 

 The placement of the dinosaurs felt (mostly) natural, and it was easy to suspend belief and pretend you were at some kind of Jurassic Park-esque place in which dinosaurs still roamed the earth.  It was educational without being boring, and had a dose of campiness which I appreciate. I didn't even mind the fact that I was clearly one of the few guests over the age of five, since most of the visitors were tagging along with parents.  I took it as a good sign that even the parents look engaged and generally interested.

 My only complaint is that a few of the motion sensors didn't work, rendering mime like dinosaurs that remained mute and disappointingly still.  Luckily, the malfunctioning dinosaurs were all the boring, plant eating ones anyway -- if T-Rex had not been working, I would have been a sad panda.

  Here are photos and videos of my trip to Jurassic Forest. My videos are unlisted, so please do not link to them on other blogs or websites.  As always, please don't use my photos or link to them.

 

Pictorial: Sasha, (almost) 7 Months

My gorgeous, wonderful and insane kitten. This cat packs a lot of personality in to a tiny body.

Streeeeeeeetch! She likes her kitty condo to nap on, but much prefers my bed or sitting on my laptop.

She's grown quite a bit in the past two months. She was so little! Aw!
 

 

 

Trans-Canada Roadtrip '13: Pics Part 3 (Ontario)

Considering I spent 14 hours a day in a car, it seems appropriate that most of my photos were taken from, well ... inside of a car.

Fort Mckay at Fort William First Nation, near Thunder Bay, Ontario.
 

The view from Mount McKay on Fort William First Nation. The reserve is located just outside of Thunder Bay. Mount McKay is sacred to the local band.
 

Thunder Bay, Ontario.
 

A terrible photo of a beautiful waterfall.
 

The view along this stretch of road is beautiful. One of the most scenic parts of the Trans Canada highway.

 

The roads are dangerous, but fun. They twist, and like to taunt you with their blind curves and near-constant construction work, leaving entire sections of the highway in rubble. As an added bonus, there's the sport of Motorized Dodge Ball, required of all drivers across the northwestern Ontario Region. The basic premise of the game is this: you drive, and wild animals will try to hurl themselves at your car. You dodge, lest they hit. A lot like that elementary school game we all used to play, no? This particular stretch of road was responsible for a fatal moose crash which shut down the highway for an entire afternoon. (And yup, it's another photo of the Trans-Canada.)

 

I'm an Eastern girl, born and raised. After living in a different time zone for the past few years, it's always a monumental occasion to cross over into the time zone I associate with home, the East Coast. I felt like this sign did a noble job at marking the occasion.

Trans-Canada Roadtrip '13: Pics Part 2 (Manitoba)

This is what 99.9% of Manitoba looks like as you drive along the Trans-Canada Highway.

Inside Lower Fort Gary.

Plain Tipi at Lower Fort Gary.

Interior Decorating at Lower Fort Gary.

More of Lower Fort Gary, outside of Winnipeg. Kind of a big deal in Canadian history.

Those costumes must be hot in the summer.

 

Winnipeg skyline from a distance. Look at all those trees!

 

Trans-Canada Road Trip '13: Pics Part 1 (Saskatchewan)

Saskatchewan, Summer 2013


Remember this post? Last summer, my fiancé and I drove across most of Canada in the short span of 2 weeks.  It was an intense trip of 14 hour days spent locked in a car, consuming vast quantities of fast food, and staring at endless and unyielding prairie.  We drove from Edmonton, Alberta to Ottawa, Ontario, a distance of approximately 4,6000 miles, or 7,402 kilometers.  While I would not recommend such a speedy trip in the future, it was certainly a hell of an introduction to the middle portion of Canada, which, for the record, is the biggest portion of Canada.

I recount my run-ins with exploding bears, Lake Superior Provincial Park, bannock burgers, and crappy Toronto drivers in this post over here.

Almost a year later, here are some less-than-inspiring photos from that trip. Formatting is screwy because BLOGGER.COM IS INCAPABLE OF HANDLING PHOTOS AND KEEPING THEM FORMATTED AS THEY GET UPLOADED. Or else I'm an idiot.  
 

Rural Ukrainian Church

 



Prairie train, the kind that makes you wait, and wait, and wait ...



... and wait. Yes, those cars stretch all the way to the horizon.
 

Pretty church window at Batoche, site of the famous Metis rebellion.

Pictorial: Sasha, (almost) 5 Months

I'm engaged!

Well, it certainly has been a while! And, in my long absence, I have some big news ... I'm ENGAGED! Ahhh! I know, right? Some guy actually voluntarily decided he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me!

My ring. Ignore my gross hands.



The engagement itself was a quiet affair with no bells or whistles, which is exactly the way I wanted it.  I know lots of girls want marching bands and 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?' spelled out with 100 long stemmed red roses, but I'm more of a laid back, practical kind of girl.  That kind of attention would mortify me.  Much to my pleasure, my fiancé (and wow, it never gets old saying that ... fiancé! Fiancé! Fiancé!) had the sense to propose to me in my apartment, in the company of myself and my cat. Extra credit to him for actually getting down on one knee and tearing up while popping the question.

Because my partner is Cree, he also presented me with a beautiful Pendleton blanket.  Among some bands of Cree Nation, it is traditional for a prospective bride to go 'hide' from her groom to be.  The young man must find his future bride, and when he does, he presents her with a blanket.  In light of this tradition, my fiancé (there's that word again!) decided to wrap me in a blanket as part of the engagement.  I absolutely loved that he chose to include an element from Cree culture, a tradition that I love and respect and cannot wait to learn more about.

My Pendleton Friendship Blanket, presented as part of my engagement.

After a flurry of texting and phone calls (ah, engagement in the modern age), my hubby-to-be and I went out for a delicious meal.  Being the carnivore that I am, I had bacon wrapped steak, and it was freaking delicious.  Our server was nice enough to grace us with a complimentary desert after hearing about our newly engaged status, which I thought was a cute gesture.

That says 'Congratulations!' The chocolate message lasted all of 30 seconds before I ate it off the plate.

And so, here I am, officially an engaged woman.  Now I have to start planning a wedding and figuring out ways to incorporate Cree traditions with my own, as well as placating our friends and family who are from both Canada and the US.

Oh! And since it's always the first question asked: my ring is amethyst and white gold. After much discussion and thought, I specifically decided upon forgoing upon diamonds for an engagement ring.  They're beautiful, but they're also expensive.  I also don't like the fact that diamonds are destructive socially and ecologically.  Purple is my favorite color, and an amethyst seemed like a sensible alternative.  I'm very happy with the decision -- it's something different, and much more 'me' than a diamond.  I am in love with the stone, and the band is delicate and understated, which is exactly my kind of style.  Good work to the future hubs! For a man who always calls me to ask what cat food to buy, he did a great job picking out a ring.

Photos: Coyote in the Snow

Sasha's First (Almost!) Month: A Pictorial

Sasha has made it know to her human that she needs food every single damn time someone walks into the kitchen.  Where she developed this habit, I have no idea, as I do not feed her human food.  But it's one of her quirks and it's an admittedly adorable one.
 

Sasha in her 1 of her 2 natural states: Relaxed, Innocent Kitten or Batshit Insane.

Sasha expresses her dislike of higher education.

Such a little personality.

Speaking of Batshit Insane ...

She has begun her Months of Climbing. This should be fun.

Cat in a bag. Cats dig bags, right?

Meet Sasha!

Hello world, meet Sasha.

Two days ago, a very sassy and opinionated kitten took up residence in my apartment.  She seems to think it's her personal and exclusive domain, and I am not one to disabuse her of that notion.  Naturally, I am her Human Slave and exist to entertain her and provide her with a soft and warm place to sleep. She has a fondness for napping on my chest, which is adorable, except when I need to move and I'm scared of waking her up.

 Sasha, my little tortoise shell kitten, is around 7 - 9 weeks old.  She's on the small side, but her teeth are good, and she is deceptively sturdy.  I've watched her take a few awkward tumbles from various heights, and so far, so good.  Like every cat I have owned, she is a rescue kitty, having been born in someone's backyard shed.  Despite her humble beginnings, she is an incredibly well socialized and well adjusted little girl.  She loves being around people.  I should also add that she's quite vocal.  Ms. Kitty is definitely an extrovert. 

  She'll be going to the vet as soon as possible for a check up, worming and her first round of shots.  Since kittens eat so much, she's on a diet of dry and wet food, and so far, so good.  (I got the grain-free stuff, since apparently all good cat moms do that these days. Long gone are the days of Purina kitten chow!)

 It's been a long time since I've had a cat, and an even longer period of time since I've taken charge of a kitten.  It's a bit like living with a tiny toddler with very sharp teeth and an inexplicable attraction to paper.  She has an insatiable appetite for getting into mischief, which can be a little hair raising at times.  Despite the anxiety, Sasha has already brought me so much  joy and laughter.  I love watching her tumble around, chase her tail, and explore the world.  Everything is so new and exciting for her.

 I like to think that my old feline soul mate, Ringo, is looking down from Kitty Heaven and has approved the match. 

  She will be featured more on this blog I'm sure, so say hello to Sasha!

The Ten Commandments of Not Being A Jerk To Your Roommate

  Over the years, I have lived with a lot of people.  Guys, gals, seniors, young adults, straight, bi and gay.  I've lived with neat freaks, slobs, potheads and drunks.  I've shared my space with musicians and corporate drones, college students and college dropouts.  Needless to say, I have a lot of experience sharing close quarters with a wide variety of personalities, ages, genders and sexual orientations. 

  Which brings me to my point: most people are absolutely terrible to live with.  In my (wide and varied) experience, most roommates are complete and total pains in the ass.  If you want to develop a pessimistic attitude toward humanity, move in with somebody.  You'll begin to realize that most people have no clue how to share their space with others, and even worse, have crappy hygiene and questionable domestic skills.

  My list of ex-roommates is quite impressive.  For example, there was one woman who always had her boyfriend over.  This would have been OK, except he ate my food, used my bath towel, and apparently committed an unspeakable act to our living room couch. (That particular instance was observed by our neighbors, who had a window that looked into our apartment.) In a fun little twist, the same roommate threatened to kill my cat after I politely asked her to keep her boyfriend from humping our sofa. 

  I've had a roommate who was an ex-religious nut, and had turned into such a staunch atheist, that she was more militant than a terrorist on Jihad.  She also stole my pots and pans one weekend. Her kleptomania paralleled that of one of my exes, who had a habit of 'borrowing' my CDs and DVDs and never returning them. More recently, a roommate enjoyed perusing my food in the fridge, eating everything from fruit to a freshly baked chicken breast. (And let's not even go in to fish fillet that mysteriously disappeared one day ...)

  Having just moved out of yet another horrible living situation, I feel like it is my duty to pass on nuggets of wisdom, garnered from years of living with irresponsible and clueless roommates, in the hopes that others will not have to suffer similar horrors.  Herewith, the 10 Commandments of  'Not Being A Jerk To Your Roommate':

 1) Thou shalt not steal food, kitchen utensils, bath towels, bed sheets or use your roommate's toiletries ... and if you do, at least be smart about it. So, for example, when you feel like making an omelette, only use 2 of your roommate's eggs, instead of all 12.  That way, you can confuse your roommate, who will be kept busy by wondering if she had mysteriously eaten 2 eggs and somehow forgotten about it. (True story.)

  2) Thou shalt not act like a douche.  That super loud and expensive stereo system you just bought? Yeah, don't experiment with it at 3am.  (True story.)

  3) Thou shalt clean up after thyself.  Everyone leaves dishes in the sink, but it's another thing entirely to leave them there for a week. (True story.)  This applies to containers of food left in the fridge.  It's not fun to open up a carton of fast food take out, only to find it molded over and stinking to high heaven. (True story.)   Clean up after yourselves, you dirty little monsters.

 4) Thou shalt not shed hair everywhere.  Leaving strands of hair all over the bathroom is a sin.  Doubly true for any hair found on toilet seats, in showers, and in the sink.  No one wants to pour Draino down the drain because your disgusting hair clogged the shower for the tenth time this month. (True story.)

 5) Thou shalt always be respectful towards your roommate's pet, no matter how annoying/needy/dirty it is.  The poor little critter is probably sick of its owner as you are. Love thy roommate's pet, even if thy roommate is a jerk.

 6) If thou hast drama, try not involve everyone you live with in it.  Breakups suck, but it's not an excuse to hysterically throw things around the apartment, further traumatizing your roommates who have already been kept up all night by the screaming match you had with your (former) boyfriend until 3 in the morning. (True story.)  Definitely don't invite your ex over the next day in an effort to get back together.  Your roommates will hate you even more. (True story.)

 7) If thou hast annoying significant others, don't bring them over every single night to sleep over.  It's a boyfriend, not a security blanket.  You can manage one night without him.

 8) Thou shalt not use all the toilet paper and then fail to replace it.  No one wants a miserable house mate stuck on the toilet because you forgot to buy some TP. (True story.)

 9) Thou shalt pay a fair share of the utilities and rent. (Need I say more?)

10) Thou shalt never engage in the writing of passive aggressive notes or e-mails when your roommate is home.  This is not an effective means of communication.  Plus, e-mails are easy to block. (True story.) Vocal cords are there for a reason. Use 'em!

 
 
 

The Great Canadian Road Trip

  2 weeks, 4,600+ miles, 3.5 provinces and 3 time zones ... it must be The Great Canadian Road Trip!

     

       I recently embarked on an epic (and sometimes perilous) journey across the middle portion of Canada.  It wasn't your typical vacation, in that the trip involved 9-13 hours of driving each day, very few stops, and not much in the way of good food or relaxation.  The expedition was born out of necessity, which centered around picking up a whole bunch of my stuff from the US-Canada border out east.  Long story short, the mission was accomplished, and I got see a whole heck of a lot of Canada along the way.

  The adventure involved a near death experience, an exploding bear, and the culinary delight known as the 'bannock burger.'  It also involved two whirlwind days in Toronto, an excursion through Lake Superior Provincial Park, and stops at several historical sites, including Batoche and Lower Fort Garry.  

  ALBERTA, a.k.a. 'BERTA!

This is Alberta. It is big and empty, like everything in the middle of Canada.

     Our trip began in the province of Alberta.  The only way to describe this place is that, in a land mass the approximately the same size as Texas, there are only 3.6 million people. Just to put that in to perspective, Texas has a population of a little over 20 million people.  Alberta is a big place with a small population.

  Western Alberta is truly beautiful, with the soaring Rocky Mountains.  It's home to both Jasper and Banff, two incredible parks that are among the crown jewels of Canada, a country rich in spectacular scenery. The south has some incredible badlands, and the north has boreal forest, which is neat if you like endless amounts of trees. Unfortunately, I didn't get to experience any of these geographical features on this trip.  Instead, I began my trip in the dead center of Alberta, which was flat. And boring. And full of trucks. 

  I do have a special fondness for Alberta, and know it to be a great province.  However, you'd never guess that driving on the TransCanada Highway.  The highway manages to meander through the most boring scenery of all time.  The only exciting spots are the giant Ukrainian Easter Egg and the herds of wild bison on the side of the road.  However, I will say that Alberta is definitely more exciting than her prairie province cousins, Saskatchewan and Manitoba, which somehow manage to be even flatter, less populated and more boring.

Saskatchewan, a.k.a. I Never Know If I Spell This Damn Province Correctly

 

Saskatchewan. There is nothing much to say, other than it might be a circle in Dante's hell.

   So, yeah ... Saskatchewan.  My main issue with this province is that it never ends.  You drive 6 hours, then 8, and then 9, and you're still stuck in this province, staring at wheat and grain elevators.  The eastern portion is spectacularly flat and unexciting.  I'm talking farm houses, fields of edible stuff (sorry, I'm not a botanist) and, for a little variety, the occasional pasture full of bored looking cows.  Heady stuff, even for the most intrepid of travelers.

  I will admit that things start to improve around Saskatoon.  There are actual hills, and trees start to appear in little fits and starts.  The prairie rolls around you like some kind of living entity, and the sky stretches above for miles, more magnificent than anything you've ever seen. 

  If you're willing to veer off the beaten path (and I do mean veer, which is what you will be doing a lot of to avoid the potholes and beaten up roads), Batoche is well worth a visit.  It's an incredibly important historical site, and situated in a beautiful patch of prairie.  You also have to drive around an impressive sinkhole in the middle of the road to get there. 

 Definitely check out the bannock burgers for sale at Batoche.  It's the best bannock I've ever had, and this is coming from the girl who never turns down bannock. I love my calories, what can I say?

  Batoche and bannock aside, the rest of the Saskatchewan experience is fairly uneventful.  Blame it on the TransCanada Highway if you like, but it is pretty damn boring. After you leave Batoche and drive a few hours, you arrive in Regina and realize ... eeehh. Enough prairie for one day. And then you drive a few more hours and you're still in this god forsaken province, and all you've seen the entire day are varieties of grass and cows.  

 Manitoba, a.k.a 'We're Flat and Proud of It.'

Manitoba ... it's flat.

 The provincial motto should be "We're flat and proud of it!' 

  My impression of the southern part of the province: flat, flatter, flattest. 

  That said, I actually really liked Manitoba. The southwestern portion of the province is very pretty, with lots of forests and ponds along the side of the highway.  Even when it flattens out (which it does, in spectacular fashion), it's not all that bad.  Saskatchewan is prettier and more scenic, but somehow, Manitoba seems like a shorter and easier drive. Oh, and for the record, Winnipeg is a dynamic little city with a very pretty waterfront.

Ontario, a.k.a. We're Friendly, But Drive Like Jerks

  

Ontario, where everyone drives like an asshole.

 Oh, Ontario.  I love you, but I also find you frustrating.  You have beautiful scenery and lovely people.  There's Toronto in the east, and beautiful bush country in the west. But Jesus Christ, fix your roads! I have never seen so much road construction in my life.  You'd think a national highway would have more than two lanes (one in each direction). Even better would be a highway that was functional, and not given over to construction on every single bridge ever built in the province. In the span of about four hours, we ran in to well over a dozen construction zones, which led to massive delays in the trip.

  I'd also like to make the point that the drivers there are genuine jerks.  My boyfriend and I were almost killed in northwestern Ontario by a moron hurtling the wrong way down the highway, and almost crashing in to us head-on.  It would have been instant death if my boyfriend hadn't managed to swerve on to the shoulder within the two or three seconds he had before impact.  This is also the province where I witnessed a tractor trailer ram in to a black bear, killing it in a very gory and awful way.  Let's just say the bear partially exploded on impact before flying up and hitting the guard rail along the highway.

  Near-deaths and exploding bears aside, Ontario is a beautiful province and I have a lot of love and affection for it. Just watch out for the drivers, and be mindful of the bears.

  The Route

  Day 1: Edmonton, Alberta --> Brandon, Manitoba

  Day 2: Brandon, Manitoba --> Thunder Bay, Ontario

  Day 3: Thunder Bay, Ontario --> Sault Sainte Marie, Ontario

  Day 4 & 5: Sault Sainte Marie, Ontario --> Toronto, Ontario

  Day 6 & 7: Toronto, Ontario --> Ottawa, Ontario

  Day 8: Ottawa, Ontario --> Thunder Bay, Ontario

  Day 9 & 10: Thunder Bay, Ontario --> Winnipeg, Manitoba

  Day 11: Winnipeg, Manitoba --> Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

  Day 12: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan --> Edmonton, Alberta

 

  

 

 

  

what goes around comes around

Dear _____________,

  A little over two years ago, you betrayed me.  You lied, you cheated, you spat upon my name and everything I stood for. After a decade of unconditional love, you broke our bond.  You led me on, only to turn around and say horrible things about me behind my back.  You fed on my faith in you, only to allow me to be consumed by its fire. You took our friendship and crushed it between the weight of your lies and deceit.  You took something beautiful and made it ugly.

 Because of you, I went through hell.  Or rather, because of you, I allowed myself to go through hell.  Believe me when I say that I went through the depths of despair.  I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy.  The fear, the distrust, the overwhelming sadness.  Every second of every day, I woke up and all I could taste was the bile at the back of my throat.  Every minute of every hour, all I could hear were your frantic pleas, asking me, begging me for another chance, only to turn around and mock me for giving them to you.  My world went dark, a place of shadows and failures.

 Such great pain! Such an enormous grief, the kind that rips you open and leaves your entrails dangling out on the grass.  I felt it all. I experienced every moment. And then I realized -- such great pain. Such fantastic, wonderful pain, an opportunity to turn in to something greater, to evolve, to live and to learn. A chance to further myself as a human being, to learn compassion, to learn sympathy and empathy and extend love to myself.

  A glorious pain, and a pain that transformed me.  The ashes of my former life, changed in to the body and wings of a phoenix.  The caterpillar became a butterfly, and you gave me the ability to do so. 

  I want to say thank you. In all sincerity, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You have taught me so much, and have helped me realize what a resilient, intelligent and strong woman I am.  You have shown me what wonderful friends I have, friends who love and support me.  I have an amazing family, and a truly incredible boyfriend.  Thanks to you, my bond with them is stronger than ever, something I know is unique and blessed.  Nothing will ever break it. Not you, not her, not anyone.

 Because of you, I got my mind and body clean.  I'm healthier than I have ever been.  I'm also happy. I'm content and at peace.  I have an education, a job, and a relationship.  I'm more compassionate than ever before. I'm more aware. Less anxious. A better cook. A better musician. A better lover, friend and guardian. I'm freer, wiser, older.  Funnier. 

 I've done something that many people haven't been able to do --  I've faced my demons head on and looked them directly in the face.  I did this alone, with very little help.  No substances, no alcohol, no distractions.  Nothing but myself.  And you know what? I can rely on myself.  I am stronger than I ever believed.  I know I'm tougher than the two of you put together, because I don't need to run anyone's name through the mud to justify any of my actions.

 You have taught me what a real relationship is, and what it isn't.  A real relationship is trust, honesty, loyalty, and love.  It's not needing to belittle someone else in order to feel more secure. It's building someone up, not tearing them down. A relationship is commitment. It's work. It's unconditional. I have a real relationship with someone, and I would have never known to appreciate it if it hadn't been for you.

 You have shown me that, no matter how much you want something to be right, it doesn't make it so.  You can wish and pray and hope, but if something is that broken, sometimes it's just not worth fixing.  And believe me, I did try to fix it. Many, many times. Too many times, in fact.  I gave you every chance in the world, and then some.  I gave you so much you took it all for granted.  Never again will I be that pitiful, that desperate.  Never.

Oh, by the way ... all that stuff you have said about me -- it's not true.  I'm sorry to burst your bubble.  I don't ever talk about you, or her, and I certainly don't give a shit these days.  It's old news.  It's all so silly. Silly and over with.  What's all this nonsense I hear about me wishing you ill? Because I have never once wished you or anyone else harm. Ever.  I don't work that way. I never have, and I never will.  It's bad juju, bad karma, bad everything. I don't operate that way. If you weren't so twisted up inside, you'd realize that.  I'm not your enemy. I never was. I loved you, and I would have given my last breath for you.  You don't take a love like that and turn it into hate.  I hate no one, least of all you.

Despite the mistrust and broken dreams shared between us, I wish you all the joy that I have experienced in recent months. My old friend, I want nothing but the best for you. I hope that someday you can experience the good of a positive person, of being fully trusted and of fully trusting someone in return.  It's a magical feeling.  It feels good. It feels like being an adult. 

I pray that you have happiness and peace. I really do. I only want the best for you, only the most positive things. If we could only take the pain we have and turn that into something beautiful.  I wish for that with all my heart. I have an endless amount of love for you.  I always will. You were my soul mate, my spiritual brother, and I will never forget that. I pray that great things will come your way, and that you find all the peace and joy in the world. Please take that love and turn it in to something positive. I promise you, it's a better way to live.

 Maybe someday you'll meet this wonderful man of mine, the one I'm going to marry.  Perhaps you'll meet our future children.  In a funny way, I have you to thank for him.  I would have never known what a good man is, or how lucky I am to have found one, if it hadn't been for all the pain you put me through. I suppose the old saying is true, that time and the universe work things out.  Instead of a waste, I see the relationship we had as something that taught me a number of invaluable lessons. It prepared me for something even greater, and gifted me with someone far kinder and more stable.  Without a doubt, I am a better person today than I have ever been. I am in a better place, and living a better life.

Thank you.


-- me
 

Photos: Butchart Gardens, Post 2

Totem Pole (Never forget settlers were not the first people on this land!)