The Ten Commandments of Not Being A Jerk To Your Roommate

  Over the years, I have lived with a lot of people.  Guys, gals, seniors, young adults, straight, bi and gay.  I've lived with neat freaks, slobs, potheads and drunks.  I've shared my space with musicians and corporate drones, college students and college dropouts.  Needless to say, I have a lot of experience sharing close quarters with a wide variety of personalities, ages, genders and sexual orientations. 

  Which brings me to my point: most people are absolutely terrible to live with.  In my (wide and varied) experience, most roommates are complete and total pains in the ass.  If you want to develop a pessimistic attitude toward humanity, move in with somebody.  You'll begin to realize that most people have no clue how to share their space with others, and even worse, have crappy hygiene and questionable domestic skills.

  My list of ex-roommates is quite impressive.  For example, there was one woman who always had her boyfriend over.  This would have been OK, except he ate my food, used my bath towel, and apparently committed an unspeakable act to our living room couch. (That particular instance was observed by our neighbors, who had a window that looked into our apartment.) In a fun little twist, the same roommate threatened to kill my cat after I politely asked her to keep her boyfriend from humping our sofa. 

  I've had a roommate who was an ex-religious nut, and had turned into such a staunch atheist, that she was more militant than a terrorist on Jihad.  She also stole my pots and pans one weekend. Her kleptomania paralleled that of one of my exes, who had a habit of 'borrowing' my CDs and DVDs and never returning them. More recently, a roommate enjoyed perusing my food in the fridge, eating everything from fruit to a freshly baked chicken breast. (And let's not even go in to fish fillet that mysteriously disappeared one day ...)

  Having just moved out of yet another horrible living situation, I feel like it is my duty to pass on nuggets of wisdom, garnered from years of living with irresponsible and clueless roommates, in the hopes that others will not have to suffer similar horrors.  Herewith, the 10 Commandments of  'Not Being A Jerk To Your Roommate':

 1) Thou shalt not steal food, kitchen utensils, bath towels, bed sheets or use your roommate's toiletries ... and if you do, at least be smart about it. So, for example, when you feel like making an omelette, only use 2 of your roommate's eggs, instead of all 12.  That way, you can confuse your roommate, who will be kept busy by wondering if she had mysteriously eaten 2 eggs and somehow forgotten about it. (True story.)

  2) Thou shalt not act like a douche.  That super loud and expensive stereo system you just bought? Yeah, don't experiment with it at 3am.  (True story.)

  3) Thou shalt clean up after thyself.  Everyone leaves dishes in the sink, but it's another thing entirely to leave them there for a week. (True story.)  This applies to containers of food left in the fridge.  It's not fun to open up a carton of fast food take out, only to find it molded over and stinking to high heaven. (True story.)   Clean up after yourselves, you dirty little monsters.

 4) Thou shalt not shed hair everywhere.  Leaving strands of hair all over the bathroom is a sin.  Doubly true for any hair found on toilet seats, in showers, and in the sink.  No one wants to pour Draino down the drain because your disgusting hair clogged the shower for the tenth time this month. (True story.)

 5) Thou shalt always be respectful towards your roommate's pet, no matter how annoying/needy/dirty it is.  The poor little critter is probably sick of its owner as you are. Love thy roommate's pet, even if thy roommate is a jerk.

 6) If thou hast drama, try not involve everyone you live with in it.  Breakups suck, but it's not an excuse to hysterically throw things around the apartment, further traumatizing your roommates who have already been kept up all night by the screaming match you had with your (former) boyfriend until 3 in the morning. (True story.)  Definitely don't invite your ex over the next day in an effort to get back together.  Your roommates will hate you even more. (True story.)

 7) If thou hast annoying significant others, don't bring them over every single night to sleep over.  It's a boyfriend, not a security blanket.  You can manage one night without him.

 8) Thou shalt not use all the toilet paper and then fail to replace it.  No one wants a miserable house mate stuck on the toilet because you forgot to buy some TP. (True story.)

 9) Thou shalt pay a fair share of the utilities and rent. (Need I say more?)

10) Thou shalt never engage in the writing of passive aggressive notes or e-mails when your roommate is home.  This is not an effective means of communication.  Plus, e-mails are easy to block. (True story.) Vocal cords are there for a reason. Use 'em!