a little personal

I wish I could show you

When you are lonely or in darkness

The astonishing light of your own being.

-- Hafiz

   The past seven months have been a journey for me.  A long, winding road that has led down to the abyss and beyond.  I have suffered, I have been miserable, and I have doubted everything about myself. I have questioned reality, my position in life and the motives of friends and family.  I have wondered and worried about the past while anxiously tabulating every single mishap that has led up to this point. I have calculated my errors and accidents, and at times, it becomes an equation that seems like it will never balance itself. 

  And yet, here I am, nearly a year later and somehow more complete than I have ever been.  My spirit is bruised, my psyche is sore, and yet I am full of hope.  I can carry my head high, sure in the knowledge that I am trying to better myself, trying to become a more complete person, trying to evolve and grow towards something greater than I have ever yet been.

  Growing is a difficult process.  I never realized it until now.  I take two steps forward, and then fall backwards.  I begin to grow confident in myself, and suddenly crumble inwards.  I love my body, only to pick it apart.  I feel confident, which is then eroded by anxiety and self doubt.  It's not a straight forward process, this business of learning to love yourself.  It hurts.  It aches.  It itches.  It cramps. Sometimes, it fails miserably. 

  Yet, slowly, ever so slowly, I begin to doubt myself less.  I try a little harder.  I acknowledge the good moments in my day.  The sun is shining again, and I can see it, feel it, taste it.  I'm no longer hidden behind a dark and gloomy cloud.  Not always, anyway. And that's a start. A beautiful, joyous start.

  You yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserve your love and affection.

-- Buddha 

  There is so much love in your heart that you could heal the planet.

-- Louise Hay

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

    

a snow day

  2 days of snow.

  No one willing to shovel the sidewalks.

  A girl with no car.

  This is the result.

 

inspiration

 "Opening ourselves to possible failure is an important part of creativity.  One failure need not stop us from acting again.  We learn from our failures."

-- Amit Goswami, 'The Visionary Window', pg. 195

canadiana 101: maple taffy / tire d'érable

  Maple taffy (or what I call 'awesomeness on a stick') is a delicious treat that I experienced for the first time yesterday.  It is a perfect mix of sticky, chewy and, if you wait long enough, hard.  It will also glue your teeth together if you bite in to it too fast, which I discovered the hard way. 

 According to Wikipedia, the treat is made by boiling maple syrup, and then pouring it on to ice or fresh, clean snow.  You place a  stick in the mass of maple syrup, which rapidly hardens and turns in to a lollipop of sorts.  You can eat it immediately and savor the goo factor, or you can wait and let the candy harden.

  The trick is to catch as much maple syrup as you can on your stick and find just the right moment to bite in to the maple mess.  Unfortunately, I didn't get enough practice yesterday, so my technique is not perfected (yet).

  It's a treat that is associated with eastern Canada, but apparently western Canadians also know a thing or too about maple taffy.  It's caloric, sugary, and absolute heaven.  I highly recommend trying it.

  There are several websites that tell you how to make an at-home version, no snow required.  However, I think half the fun is playing in the snow and getting cold while eagerly waiting for your maple taffy creations.

valentine's day northern lights

   Ah, Valentine's Day,  the most awkward of holidays.  For a girl who loathes public displays of affection, conversation heart candies and anything to do with cupids, Valentine's Day is not the best way to celebrate love.  And anyway, I find it rather offensive that the greeting card industry has made an official day for Love, Affection and Sex -- as if you can't have these things the rest of the year.  (I mean hell, if I had a boyfriend who only ever brought me chocolates on Valentine's Day, he'd be dumped pretty quickly.  Call me shallow, but what ever.)

  Naturally, I was absolutely dreading V.D. this year.  I've been single for almost 9 months now, and the prospect of some stupid holiday rubbing it in my face was not a pleasurable thought.  It was bad enough strolling around campus the week leading up to Valentine's, and watching all the couples cooing and kissing all over each other (in public, I might add -- ick.)  V. Day itself was pretty much unbearable around the university, with cute couples strolling around, hand in hand, and making romantic noises about dinner and 'plans' for later that evening.  Gag me with a spoon, people.

  In the end, however, I ended up having a pretty good (platonic)  Valentine's Day.  I went out for pizza with a friend, gorged on some killer chocolate cake, and watched an absolutely stunning display of the northern lights.  They were gorgeous last night, shimmering across the sky in vivid greens and reds.  I had a perfect view from my living room balcony.  It's impossible not to be awed and inspired by those beautiful lights, and it certainly was the most unique way to spend a Valentine's Day evening.

  Not romantic, but certainly awesome.  In a way, I'm really glad I got to enjoy the holiday as a single girl. 
If I had been hanging out with a boyfriend, I probably wouldn't have noticed the lights in the first place.  Perhaps it's a sign that all is well in my universe, and that I should just accept the fact that I'm single.  After all, there are worse things.  I got to see some beautiful lights across the night sky, cram my face with chocolate cake, and not have to worry about looking fat for some guy.  All in all, much better than spending V. Day out to dinner, awkwardly exchanging cards and trying to get in to the spirit of an otherwise lifeless and completely pointless holiday.