i like ... this quote

So up until the last moment, I'll hold my head high and keep laughing because they won't get the best of me. As long as you're alive you can protest and shout, yet laughter is the most subversive weapon of all.

-- Marjane Satrapi, author of 'Persepolis'

reflections on 2pac's 'keep ya head up'

I'm having a blue day. The weather is beautiful, I'm in the home stretch of finishing my degree, and I made a new friend last night. These are all wonderful things, and yet I'm still feeling down.

I'm realizing a lot of things today. Or, at the very least, a lot of realizations have culminated to a certain point and I can no longer ignore what my head is telling me. My heart is one matter, but my brain is another.

Both hurt.

I'm realizing you can't make someone like you.
I'm realizing you can't force someone to want to be with you.
I'm realizing you can't change someone.

I'm beginning to understand that sometimes the best thing to do is just hold your head up and walk away.

You can dedicate years and years to something, and not see it come to fruition. I used to believe that, given enough time and energy, anything was possible. Now I don't know. I'm not so sure anymore. I've put so much energy and time into something, and it's not working out at all like I expected.

At. All.

It's a sense of loss, and a sense of anger. It's a sense of futility and frustration. It's a sense of confusion and despair. What did I not do? What could I have done better, right, more correctly?

Is the blame even with me? Or with someone else?

I had so much faith in this matter. Blind, stupid faith. I was drunk with faith. Faith, faith, faith. It was all I had, really. Faith and lots of it. It will work out was a daily mantra in my head. Have faith. Be strong of heart. Be brave in action. Be bold of thought.

I did all of those things. I tried my hardest. I was strong as I could be. I was bold as I dared. I skimped on the bravery at times, but over all was certainly far from fearful.

And it didn't work.

All I can do now is keep my head up.

Which brings me to a song by 2Pac (Tupac, which ever you prefer) Shakur, the late rapper. He's probably best known for his gangster rap, but his earlier work was fueled by a power that was positive and uplifting. His song 'Keep Ya Head Up' has been keeping me going through today, and all the days that have been like this one.

First, 2Pac addresses women who are down. As a female in a not-so-great emotional state, I relate to this on a direct level.

A sample of his lyrics from 'Keep Ya Head Up':

But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up

and

And when he tells you you ain't nothin' don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you, you should leave him
'Cause sister you don't need him

Most women in general can probably relate to the lyrics of this song. We've all probably been in a similar position at some point. Possibly even more than once.

More lyrics Tupac penned for the ladies:

And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up.

Shiver. I can feel the heat of his words through the computer screen. I put that last part in bold because it always makes me think, 'yesssssss, tell them Pac!!'

I relate to other parts of the song, too. I think most people could. You don't need to be a woman to relate. For example, who doesn't understand to the following line?:

I try and find my friends, but they're blowin in the wind

I mean, you know, that sounds like my life right now. A lot of this chaos I'm going through is directly related to 'friends' who I should have known better than to trust (or try to make more out of than simple platonic love). Most people are like daisies in the summer breeze, bending and blowing away without a moment's reflection or thought on the matter. I'm sure plenty of people have had this realization at some point.

Oh, and yet more for everyone to relate to, plus good commentary on American society:

It seems the rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up, and still keep from gettin wet up
You know it's funny, when it rains it pours
They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor

Then comes the affirmation, that powerful moment when Tupac says it's going to be all right:

Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and come back for more

Of course, just like real life, a lyrical kick will come in contact with your stomach right at the moment you feel highest:

... there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don't all down this week

Faith, faith, faith. Faith and hope. That's what 2Pac is really rapping about, or at least to me. I could see how some might argue differently, but it's a personal thing, the interpretation of lyrics.

In this song, Tupac raps what I feel. He poses the questions I want answered. Questions like, how do you keep faith when it's all turning to crap around you? How do you stay afloat when you're hurting inside, but trying to keep a calm exterior? How do you keep hope when you can't let your weakness show, when you can't let anyone see the cracks in your foundation? It might all crumble to the ground if you give in for a moment of despair.

It only takes one crack to fall apart completely.

And yet, according to my interpretation of Tupac's lyrics, faith does win in the end. Perhaps this is why I love the song so much. Faith wins out, if you just keep strong and take a steady course:

And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but please ...
you got to keep your head up

Keep your head up.

I love that. So simple, but such a strong statement.

Keep your head up.
Keep the faith.

Keep the hope.

If only it wasn't such a hard thing to do ... and if only I knew where all of this pain is leading me. The path I thought I was setting up for myself has turned to dust in front of my very eyes, and I have to start all over again.

When I think about how daunting this is, all I can do is turn to 2Pac and play, yet again, one of his most positive songs.

me? or the subway map behind my head?

Dear Gorgeous Man Who Is Sitting Across From Me On The Subway,

I just want to say that you are very handsome. You look like a cross between a male model and one of my ex boyfriends (the one with the beautiful face). Are you gay? I can't tell, because you are dressed nicely in pressed denim and have your legs crossed ... but then again, you might just be European.

Also, I noticed you were looking at me when I walked on to the train just now. I've been sitting here a few moments and I keep catching you looking over in my direction. I have no idea if you're looking at me or the subway map behind my head. Which is it? I want to look up and see where you're looking at (me? or map?) but that would be a little too forward.

It would be really nice if there were a way to tell these things. If I think you're looking at the subway map I feel like an idiot for catching your eye for the 0.02 seconds that we just shared. However, if you're looking at me, is it because I look cute today, or because I have dirt on my face? If you think I'm cute, then should I look up again and have another 0.02 seconds of eye contact time? Or if there's dirt on my face, can you give me some kind of signal so I can fix it and end my humiliation?

It's kind of freaking me out that you look a tiny bit like my ex boyfriend. Not the last one, but the one before him. The crazy one. I still think you're gorgeous, though. I just wish I could figure out what you're looking at.

Can you give me some kind of clue?

Your friend (?),

The Girl Sitting Across From You

P.S. Also, I've got to know. Are you gay or European?

how i found lake victoria in my new kitchen

The first major event in my new apartment has happened.

The event went a little something like this:

After an extended weekend away from New York City, I arrive back in town, eager to get to my new place and flop into bed. I've had a long bus ride and am tired. Worse yet, I have that awful bus smell that goes with riding those automotive monstrosities. Smell and exhaustion aside, I decide I need to grab something to eat first. So, moments after walking in the front door of my apartment, I decide to grab some food.

I briskly walk to the kitchen, eager to see what is still fresh enough to eat in my fridge after 4 days out of town. I open the door to the Food Sanctum with cheerful abandon, expecting to see enough left overs, unopened packages of tofu and wrapped up deli meats to last me a happy minute.

Instead, I am greeted with something that looks like the banks of the Nile River during flood season. Packages of food are swimming in pools of water, while a mini-Niagara Falls drips from the freezer above the refrigerator. My roommate has attempted to salvage the situation by plastic wrapping the top shelf, where forlorn (and damp) bottles of salsa, milk and tomato sauce are sitting. Still, despite this safeguard, everything is wet, and all the plastic wrap in the world isn't going to stop the eggs from getting slimed on.

After carefully inspecting all my food, I decide my produce is still safe to eat and go ahead with creating my evening meal. However, every time I pull out a container from the fridge I get splashed with a shower of droplets fresh from the freezer above. Lovely. It's like cooking during monsoon season in India. It's an experience I've never wanted and never expected to have, but I suppose now I can say I've done it.

After eating, I try to clean up the mess. As I'm doing so, I hear an ominous rumble from the freezer. I imagine an avalanche sounding something similar, like a low rumble that builds in volume until, without warning -- BAM! Snow falls all over your body, turning you into a human ice cube. With this scenario in mind, and the freezer rumbling away, I try to wipe off milk cartons and mop up the bottom of the fridge now known as Lake Victoria. And, like the imagined avalanche, and without much additional warning, I'm suddenly a human ice cube as an entire sheet of the stuff drops from the freezer into the fridge. How? I have no idea. But it did. On me.

At this point I was so irritated I quit the expedition (and yes, I term it that on purpose) in disgust.

This morning I went over the fridge with much trepidation, slowly opening the door to grab some milk for my cereal. What horrors would I find inside today? I almost expected mold growth or an Amazonian jungle prompted by the deluge of flood water. Even goldfish wouldn't have been too unexpected.

However, much to my delight, my roommate had cleaned up the entire disaster at some point last evening. Even Lake Victoria was gone. How she did it, I have no idea, but I'm glad she did -- now I don't have to wear rain gear every time I go to cook!