When does it get better? When do I stop feeling like a massive cosmic joke? I consider myself a very spiritual person, but right now I'm starting to become very annoyed with the powers that be. I feel like I've been abandoned or let down somehow. If this is all part of some master plan, it's a very stupid one as far as I'm concerned. I know I don't have the hindsight (yet) to say it, but still ... that's how it feels right now. And anyway, look at Job from the Bible ... his suffering was pretty much pointless, too. I'm not comparing my situation with that of a Biblical character, but I'm just making a point that not all suffering serves a purpose. Oprah and Dr. Phil would like you to think otherwise, but I never trust anyone who makes over one million a year anyway.There's something generally not-to-be-trusted about folks who pull in boatloads of money every year.
I attended a lecture by a Rabbi several years ago on Kaballah. It was an interesting discussion, and he made a point that always stuck with me, or rather, at least it did until now. The Rabbi said that mortals could not possibly understand how God works, and that in everything -- in every single thing imaginable -- there is always some good that will come from it. This fact may be hard to believe during a tragedy, but something positive will blossom from the ashes of despair.
I held on to this belief with a firm grip for many years. However, this once tight hold has turned into a sweaty and loose grasp that is quickly losing the ability to hang on. It scares me that my commitment to personal growth and spirituality is currently being compromised by a series of bad events in my own life. I feel selfish for thinking like this, but I can't help it. I'm disputing with a Rabbi and hundreds of years of wisdom here, but it's difficult to think otherwise! I'm tired of being tired! I'm sick of being sick inside! Where is the good from all of this? What point is being proved, what lesson learned? That people are bad and will hurt you? That you can never know any one, not even your best friends?
Fundamentally, I am a very positive person. I don't think I'm going to get stuck on some kind of negative autopilot. However, enough is enough and I am ready for something good to happen in my life. Damn it, I deserve it, even if just a little bit!
I'm not going to post it right now, but I have a story to share that kind of captures how I feel about life in general right now. It's a true one, and it took place (where else?) on the subway a few days back. I'll leave you with this image: a man, with a trapped bird inside his backpack, chirping furiously as it rides down the F line ...
6 comments:
As for me, I don't look to the universe to make things better, and I've never really felt that good comes from everything in some way.
What I do believe, is that, regardless, one keeps going, and keeps trying to make things better, even if there aren't any guarantees. This is done simply because there's a chance if one keeps trying that things may get better.
It's not cosmic justice, it's more of a cosmic responsibility that there, if you take it up.
Thank you for saying what many people feel. There is also another saying -- this too shall pass. And it will. Just hang in there and keep moving toward whatever goals you can move toward.
Plato
Hey, I thought the same a year ago about this time. I was homeless and had no one. My family had all gone away. I was sad. But things changed. Just magically, they changed. I know you don't like me a lot, but I think you are pretty cool.
Huey
Ahh, cuz. Keep your whiskers up!
Brighty
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Home Theater, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://home-theater-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
this is sooo me. i kno how u feel cuz that's where i am. reading this made me feel better. Jeni
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