It's so hard to stay positive when you're really and truly sick. It takes more effort to appreciate the beautiful things that surround us every day. But, then again, it seems we only notice those beautiful things when we are sick. It's too easy to take things for granted, especially when you're in good health and cruising through life.
I was riding home from a gig about 2 weeks ago and saw the most amazing sunset. It was simply stunning. I did my best to try and capture it on my lame cell phone camera, but of course, it barely managed to capture the colors splashed across the sky. The picture itself does no justice to what I saw that evening. It was one of those rare and magical sunsets where the whole sky is a riot of fire, all pinks, lavenders, oranges and blues. Utterly perfect. I don't think a sunset on Hawaii or Fiji could do any better.
Definitely one of the top sunsets of my life.
Definitely one of the top sunsets of my life.
Ever since I've become sick, I've felt a deep and welling grief (or is it panic? fear?) burning at the bottom of my lungs. It rises up suddenly and just takes over. I've never been a great cryer -- some people have that talent of unleashing tears at the drop of a hat, but alas, not me -- but I find myself prone to tears more and more. And you know what? I'm not sure that's a bad thing. The sadness just bubbles up out of me and with each tear I shed, I rip back another layer of fear and confront the things that I've been running away from for so long. It's an intense process, and often a frightening one. I actually hope I can keep up this trend of crying, because I feel like it's teaching me something. This is my hope, anyway. I literally have to turn off my internal voice that shouts at me every time I cry ("Don't! You're such a baby!"). It's tough, but honestly, I'm ready to tackle that bitch head on.
Never before have I had such an awareness of the importance of my body and what I put in to it. I had a live blood reading today, which really opened my mind -- and also put the fear of God into me about my health. To literally see my blood cells wiggling around on a microscope, and have a medical practitioner explaining to me what all those weird shaped cells and crystals in my blood meant ... it was frightening. I've literally been putting shit in to my body for the past 27 years. It's going to be an uphill battle to reverse this trend, but since Western medicine is failing me, I feel like nutrition is my best option. I hope it's not too late. But then again ... there's always hope, right? Starting tomorrow I'm starting a new diet plan. I'm excited, scared and worried I won't be able to stick with it. Let's hope I have the strength to go forward and make myself better. Because honestly ... the medicines and the doctors aren't doing anything for me. I'm still sick, a month later. It's time to get proactive instead of reactive.
It's time to grow, literally. From the inside.
3 comments:
Goose, you always have my good thoughts, but especially now. :)
Has your email changed...?
thank you. always appreciated, especially coming from you. :)
e-mail is still the same.
Hang in there, little Goose. I love you. And your sunset, and by the way Neel might have some ideas about whether your computer can be fixed. Let's keep our toes crossed that it can!
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