what goes around comes around

Dear _____________,

  A little over two years ago, you betrayed me.  You lied, you cheated, you spat upon my name and everything I stood for. After a decade of unconditional love, you broke our bond.  You led me on, only to turn around and say horrible things about me behind my back.  You fed on my faith in you, only to allow me to be consumed by its fire. You took our friendship and crushed it between the weight of your lies and deceit.  You took something beautiful and made it ugly.

 Because of you, I went through hell.  Or rather, because of you, I allowed myself to go through hell.  Believe me when I say that I went through the depths of despair.  I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy.  The fear, the distrust, the overwhelming sadness.  Every second of every day, I woke up and all I could taste was the bile at the back of my throat.  Every minute of every hour, all I could hear were your frantic pleas, asking me, begging me for another chance, only to turn around and mock me for giving them to you.  My world went dark, a place of shadows and failures.

 Such great pain! Such an enormous grief, the kind that rips you open and leaves your entrails dangling out on the grass.  I felt it all. I experienced every moment. And then I realized -- such great pain. Such fantastic, wonderful pain, an opportunity to turn in to something greater, to evolve, to live and to learn. A chance to further myself as a human being, to learn compassion, to learn sympathy and empathy and extend love to myself.

  A glorious pain, and a pain that transformed me.  The ashes of my former life, changed in to the body and wings of a phoenix.  The caterpillar became a butterfly, and you gave me the ability to do so. 

  I want to say thank you. In all sincerity, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You have taught me so much, and have helped me realize what a resilient, intelligent and strong woman I am.  You have shown me what wonderful friends I have, friends who love and support me.  I have an amazing family, and a truly incredible boyfriend.  Thanks to you, my bond with them is stronger than ever, something I know is unique and blessed.  Nothing will ever break it. Not you, not her, not anyone.

 Because of you, I got my mind and body clean.  I'm healthier than I have ever been.  I'm also happy. I'm content and at peace.  I have an education, a job, and a relationship.  I'm more compassionate than ever before. I'm more aware. Less anxious. A better cook. A better musician. A better lover, friend and guardian. I'm freer, wiser, older.  Funnier. 

 I've done something that many people haven't been able to do --  I've faced my demons head on and looked them directly in the face.  I did this alone, with very little help.  No substances, no alcohol, no distractions.  Nothing but myself.  And you know what? I can rely on myself.  I am stronger than I ever believed.  I know I'm tougher than the two of you put together, because I don't need to run anyone's name through the mud to justify any of my actions.

 You have taught me what a real relationship is, and what it isn't.  A real relationship is trust, honesty, loyalty, and love.  It's not needing to belittle someone else in order to feel more secure. It's building someone up, not tearing them down. A relationship is commitment. It's work. It's unconditional. I have a real relationship with someone, and I would have never known to appreciate it if it hadn't been for you.

 You have shown me that, no matter how much you want something to be right, it doesn't make it so.  You can wish and pray and hope, but if something is that broken, sometimes it's just not worth fixing.  And believe me, I did try to fix it. Many, many times. Too many times, in fact.  I gave you every chance in the world, and then some.  I gave you so much you took it all for granted.  Never again will I be that pitiful, that desperate.  Never.

Oh, by the way ... all that stuff you have said about me -- it's not true.  I'm sorry to burst your bubble.  I don't ever talk about you, or her, and I certainly don't give a shit these days.  It's old news.  It's all so silly. Silly and over with.  What's all this nonsense I hear about me wishing you ill? Because I have never once wished you or anyone else harm. Ever.  I don't work that way. I never have, and I never will.  It's bad juju, bad karma, bad everything. I don't operate that way. If you weren't so twisted up inside, you'd realize that.  I'm not your enemy. I never was. I loved you, and I would have given my last breath for you.  You don't take a love like that and turn it into hate.  I hate no one, least of all you.

Despite the mistrust and broken dreams shared between us, I wish you all the joy that I have experienced in recent months. My old friend, I want nothing but the best for you. I hope that someday you can experience the good of a positive person, of being fully trusted and of fully trusting someone in return.  It's a magical feeling.  It feels good. It feels like being an adult. 

I pray that you have happiness and peace. I really do. I only want the best for you, only the most positive things. If we could only take the pain we have and turn that into something beautiful.  I wish for that with all my heart. I have an endless amount of love for you.  I always will. You were my soul mate, my spiritual brother, and I will never forget that. I pray that great things will come your way, and that you find all the peace and joy in the world. Please take that love and turn it in to something positive. I promise you, it's a better way to live.

 Maybe someday you'll meet this wonderful man of mine, the one I'm going to marry.  Perhaps you'll meet our future children.  In a funny way, I have you to thank for him.  I would have never known what a good man is, or how lucky I am to have found one, if it hadn't been for all the pain you put me through. I suppose the old saying is true, that time and the universe work things out.  Instead of a waste, I see the relationship we had as something that taught me a number of invaluable lessons. It prepared me for something even greater, and gifted me with someone far kinder and more stable.  Without a doubt, I am a better person today than I have ever been. I am in a better place, and living a better life.

Thank you.


-- me