I wish I could show you
When you are lonely or in darkness
The astonishing light of your own being.
-- Hafiz
The past seven months have been a journey for me. A long, winding road that has led down to the abyss and beyond. I have suffered, I have been miserable, and I have doubted everything about myself. I have questioned reality, my position in life and the motives of friends and family. I have wondered and worried about the past while anxiously tabulating every single mishap that has led up to this point. I have calculated my errors and accidents, and at times, it becomes an equation that seems like it will never balance itself.
And yet, here I am, nearly a year later and somehow more complete than I have ever been. My spirit is bruised, my psyche is sore, and yet I am full of hope. I can carry my head high, sure in the knowledge that I am trying to better myself, trying to become a more complete person, trying to evolve and grow towards something greater than I have ever yet been.
Growing is a difficult process. I never realized it until now. I take two steps forward, and then fall backwards. I begin to grow confident in myself, and suddenly crumble inwards. I love my body, only to pick it apart. I feel confident, which is then eroded by anxiety and self doubt. It's not a straight forward process, this business of learning to love yourself. It hurts. It aches. It itches. It cramps. Sometimes, it fails miserably.
Yet, slowly, ever so slowly, I begin to doubt myself less. I try a little harder. I acknowledge the good moments in my day. The sun is shining again, and I can see it, feel it, taste it. I'm no longer hidden behind a dark and gloomy cloud. Not always, anyway. And that's a start. A beautiful, joyous start.
You yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserve your love and affection.
-- Buddha
There is so much love in your heart that you could heal the planet.
-- Louise Hay
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1 comment:
This is lovely. Why I was born, struggled, lived -- to know this journey of yours is one that will bring good to others Remember: when I am old and no longer know who you are, hug me and I will remember you love me and I love you.
Your Mom
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