improper use of toilets

So, I have a question. Why do women have a hard time aiming straight while sitting on a toilet?

Seriously. You can't go to the bathroom anywhere in this city without having to check out the floor, toilet seat and that little flushing handle first. Then, of course, there's always the lack of paper, which is strange, since god knows enough trees are being cut down each day to allow us Americans to wipe our precious arses with. I think people steal the rolls of toilet paper from bathrooms. Even I'm guilty as charged, but only the rolls from my school -- I figure I pay enough tuition that saving a few dollars each month by hoarding TP from them is no big deal.

Due to the gross factor involved with trying to take a piss in New York, I've decided to put together a few helpful hints on how to Pee In Public Restrooms. This is not to be mixed up with How To Pee In Public, which I've also kind of mastered, but that's a whole other story. My advice, for women anyway, is:

* Don't go to the bathroom at Barnes and Noble bookstores. Maybe I'll get sued for typing this, but they always have dirty bathrooms, long lines and lots of peed on toilet seats. Also, frantic shoppers checking their windblown hair in the greasy mirrors is never a plus. They have sharp elbows and take up a lot of room.

* Don't bother using a toilet at any university or college campus. Apparently educated girls can't pee any straighter than their less intellectual counterparts. Also, toilet paper theft seems to be an issue at these places -- see above in the first paragraph if you have any doubts.

* Bryant Park has a nice bathroom. There's an attendant and everything. Also, the toilets are all self cleaning -- technology at its finest.

* The Port Authority has surprisingly okay bathrooms. I've been there a lot, and I've never been grossed out to the point of wishing I'd never stepped foot into a stall. The cleaning ladies there all speak in Creole or in beautiful languages from Africa, and they all stand around like royal guards armed to the teeth with ammonia sprays and rolls of paper towels.

* Starbucks, like Barnes and Noble, have restrooms open to the public. Alas, they are equally skank, if not more so. Avoid the one by the West 4 Street stop on 6th Ave. I felt dirty just breathing the same air there. Same goes for the one on Astor Place. Mega ew.

Anyway, that's my post. I'm avoiding doing work, can't you tell?