short n' handy guide for visitors

Hola muchachos y muchachas,

Happy Summer. I hope it's been treating everyone decently. It's been off to an alright start for me ... not great, not bad. Just alright.

The Fourth of July is in less than 24 hours. Fireworks time! The city is flooded with tourists coming in to see the big show. I mean literally, the place is flooded. Manhattan is thick with out-of-towners standing around gawking and clutching over sized maps. I've seen more Boy Scout Troops, moms and daughters, fathers and sons, European and Japanese teenagers and couples from Down South in the past week than I have in months. It's like Christmas In The City Part II. Nuts! I don't begrudge the tourists their excitement though -- they may not know where they are going, and may be totally clueless about street etiquette, but they certainly look excited to be here and that feeling is infectious. I walk by them with a little pride in my step. I live here, after all! A place everyone else is coming to visit and stare at!

Anyway, with all the tourists in town, I've noticed that there are a few things they always do that make them stand out. This, of course, makes them immediate magnets for any homeless beggars, bums or crazies that may be wandering around trying to take economic advantage of the season.

Here's my Short N' Handy Guide To Not Looking Like A Tourist In New York City:

1) Don't haul your street map out at every intersection. Standing around on a busy street corner looking confused while your face is buried in a map screams I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM. I AM LOST. PLEASE ROB ME, CURSE AT ME FOR BLOCKING TRAFFIC AND TRY TO SELL ME RIP-OFF SUNGLASSES. Seriously, to anyone visiting the city: figure out the streets before you get here! And ask! Manhattan has to be one of the easiest places on earth to get around -- just take a few minutes and study a map, ask for directions and, for the love of all things holy, please don't block the way of those people trying to get past you.

2) You don't need a portable subway map. Every subway car has at least one. Use them. That way you won't hit me in the face with your precious little map every time you unfold it on the train.

3) Keep your kids on a leash. Some New Yorkers are less friendly to children than I am and may stomp on tykes who are running around like lunatics and bumping people. Most New Yorkers keep their kids well behaved in public, and tourists should too.

4) If you are a visitor and have an accent, use it to your advantage. Australians and the British are especially popular. If you're from the southeast and you're female, use your southern charm on males. They melt. Very useful when asking for directions.

5) Ask New Yorkers questions! Man, we're a friendly bunch. Well, sometimes. Approach someone who looks sane, not too hassled and doesn't have a cell phone pressed up to their ear. Don't be put off if the person you ask isn't too receptive at first -- we're slow to warm up to people. Once we do though, we're helpful. I've always found people from Brooklyn and Queens to be more friendly than those from Manhattan, so if you see anyone wearing a BROOKLYN or QUEENS shirt -- ask 'em for help. (Word of advice: if you're a man or a group of males, don't ask a female who is by herself for help. That's creepy.)

6) Speak English. I've been asked for directions in Spanish, Russian and god knows what else, and every time I want to be say, "It's a common courtesy to speak the language of the country you are visiting. LEARN SOME DAMN ENGLISH."

7) Don't complain about America publicly or loudly. I especially hate this when Europeans do it. Seriously, go back to England or whatever. America divorced your country for a reason.

8) Avoid buying NYPD, NYFD or other touristy cliches at places where they will be heavily marked up, such as in China Town or Midtown. In general, avoid eating in Midtown too -- few things are worse than a $12 sandwich.

9) Just remember: Times Square is cliche. No sane New Yorker goes to the place. Avoid at all costs.